Monday, September 24, 2012

I Still Believe

4 weeks ago my faith was rocked, and rocked hard.  A situation occurred in my life that was pretty major.  It was a social conflict with a Christian.  I did not react properly. Accusations were spoken.  Those words run through my head several times a day and questions...oh, the questions.  Brokenness...oh, the brokenness.

I can't say that I walked away from my faith.  But, I will honestly tell you what did happen. Satan took a STRONG foothold.  He grasped what was spoken and has enlarged it.  Made it so huge.  And, I know he has twisted it too.  Isn't it funny how fast that happens?  How we allow Satan a millimeter (or even smaller sometimes) in our life, and he takes miles upon miles.

Scattered words and empty thoughts
Seem to pour from my heart
I've never felt so torn before
Seems I don't know where to start

4 weeks of this.  Torn between trusting God and allowing the situation/Satan to control.  Torn between what happened and what should have happened.  Torn between how I reacted and how I should have reacted.  Torn between judging and being judged and allowing Christ to work.  I didn't know where to start.  I was broken.

Oh, don't get me wrong...I put on that face, the mask.  Yes, a few know what is going on, because apparentely I don't hide things so well.  And, in all honesty, I needed a few to know.  But, I have hidden in my heart and mind and soul, what is going on, what is truly going on, from 98% of the people in my life.  I have pulled away out of necessity to protect myself, my family, and all the parties involved.  But, that doesn't mean I'm not torn, I'm not broken.

Life continued to go on around me.  Survival.  Survival of who I thought I was.  Survival of who I was striving to be like - Jesus.  But, the Bible reading had disappeared instantly after that situation.  The prayers were still there, just mostly the "Why God's?" and the prayers for my children.  I had scattered words and empty thoughts toward anything and everything pertaining to myself.

Life continued on.  Weight came off. My body image "improved" in others eyes.  People noticed.  People cared....but, I was in a dark place...and still am, but it isn't as dark.

Though the questions still fog up my mind
With promises I still seem to bear
Or even when answers slowly unwind
It's my heart I see You prepare

Questions.  There are many.  And, they definitely take over my mind a lot!  And, I do still seem to bear promises....I bear them....but do I believe them?  Do I believe the promises in His word?

Psalm 139 (excerpts)

For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.

1 You have searched me, Lord,
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you, Lord, know it completely.

13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts,[a] God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand
when I awake, I am still with you.
or what about this one?
Romans 8:28
And we know that in all things, God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
Or even this one?
Proverbs 3: 5-6
Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.
Questions.  Questions continually running through my mind.  Running away from the truths in the Bible, the book of Life.
How can I be judged in 1 day when the relationship has lasted 6 years?  How can I be accused of such and such?  Why does everybody know?  Why do I want to read the Bible when it only gets me here?  Why did this happen?  Why doesn't anybody care?
Oh there are so many...Some should be asked while others are lies that I am believing.
4 weeks ago, I became a very broken person.  Broken on the inside.  Questioning faith.  Questioning my own personal walk with God.  Questioning circumstances.  Questioning who I was. Broken.
We have been seeking wise counsel.  I knew that I couldn't live like this for very long, and truthfully, and so ready to have everything resolved and reconciled but that is for another post (one on submission and obedience).  One of the wise persons that I spoke with encouraged me to "Praise Him in the storm, in all things." 
Ephesians 5: 19-20
Sing and make music from your heart to the Lord, 20 always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.
1 Thessalonians 5: 16-18
16 Rejoice always, 17 pray continually, 18 give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.
Definitely not what I wanted to hear.  But, it was what I NEEDED to hear.  Another wise counsel is holding me accountable to being in the Word daily. 
God has worked on my heart.  Softened it.  Massaged it and got it beating again.
Well the only place I can go is into Your arms
Where I throw to You my feeble prayers
Well in brokenness I can see
That this was Your will for me
Help me to know You are near yeah
But it's now that I feel Your grace fall like rain
From ev'ry fingertip washing away my pain
'Cause I still believe in Your faithfulness
'Cause I still believe in Your truth
'Cause I still believe in Your holy Word
Even when I don't see I still believe

I can only run into His arms.  This situation was His will for me because of the blessings that have rained down from heaven.  I am beginning to see them.  Beginning to have eyes open.  My pain is being slowly washed away, starting with writing a letter of apology.  Continuing with reaching and resting in His loving arms and His grace and mercy that is new every day. 

Life is still going on, still moving forward.  Blessings are being poured down, but am I seeing them in my brokenness?  Are my arms open wide, giving thanks in ALL circumstances? 

I DO still believe in His faithfulness, in His truth, and in His holy Word.  Even when I am not seeing the reasons for this situation or knowing the answers to those questions that overtake my mind sometimes...I still believe.  Even when those scattered words and empty thoughts pour from my heart and I'm torn not knowing where to start, I still believe.

2 Corinthians 12:9
 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.
**Song lyrics are from the song "I still believe" by Jeremy Camp.

1 comment:

fancystitching said...

Oh Stephanie, you do such a great job of expressing your hurt and brokenness. But yet I can sense the underlying peace of resting in Him. Truly you are living Ps. 147:3, "He healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds." Bless you, my sister in Christ.