I Still Believe

4 weeks ago my faith was rocked, and rocked hard.  A situation occurred in my life that was pretty major.  It was a social conflict with a Christian.  I did not react properly. Accusations were spoken.  Those words run through my head several times a day and questions...oh, the questions.  Brokenness...oh, the brokenness.

I can't say that I walked away from my faith.  But, I will honestly tell you what did happen. Satan took a STRONG foothold.  He grasped what was spoken and has enlarged it.  Made it so huge.  And, I know he has twisted it too.  Isn't it funny how fast that happens?  How we allow Satan a millimeter (or even smaller sometimes) in our life, and he takes miles upon miles.

Scattered words and empty thoughts
Seem to pour from my heart
I've never felt so torn before
Seems I don't know where to start

4 weeks of this.  Torn between trusting God and allowing the situation/Satan to control.  Torn between what happened and what should have happened.  Torn between how I reacted and how I should have reacted.  Torn between judging and being judged and allowing Christ to work.  I didn't know where to start.  I was broken.

Oh, don't get me wrong...I put on that face, the mask.  Yes, a few know what is going on, because apparentely I don't hide things so well.  And, in all honesty, I needed a few to know.  But, I have hidden in my heart and mind and soul, what is going on, what is truly going on, from 98% of the people in my life.  I have pulled away out of necessity to protect myself, my family, and all the parties involved.  But, that doesn't mean I'm not torn, I'm not broken.

Life continued to go on around me.  Survival.  Survival of who I thought I was.  Survival of who I was striving to be like - Jesus.  But, the Bible reading had disappeared instantly after that situation.  The prayers were still there, just mostly the "Why God's?" and the prayers for my children.  I had scattered words and empty thoughts toward anything and everything pertaining to myself.

Life continued on.  Weight came off. My body image "improved" in others eyes.  People noticed.  People cared....but, I was in a dark place...and still am, but it isn't as dark.

Though the questions still fog up my mind
With promises I still seem to bear
Or even when answers slowly unwind
It's my heart I see You prepare

Questions.  There are many.  And, they definitely take over my mind a lot!  And, I do still seem to bear promises....I bear them....but do I believe them?  Do I believe the promises in His word?

Psalm 139 (excerpts)

For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.

¹ You have searched me, Lord,
and you know me.
² You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
³ You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
⁴ Before a word is on my tongue
you, Lord, know it completely.

¹³ For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
¹⁶ Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
¹⁷ How precious to me are your thoughts,^[a] God!
How vast is the sum of them!
¹⁸ Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand—
when I awake, I am still with you.

 

or what about this one?

 

Romans 8:28
And we know that in all things, God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

 

Or even this one?

 

Proverbs 3: 5-6
Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.

 

Questions.  Questions continually running through my mind.  Running away from the truths in the Bible, the book of Life.

 

How can I be judged in 1 day when the relationship has lasted 6 years?  How can I be accused of such and such?  Why does everybody know?  Why do I want to read the Bible when it only gets me here?  Why did this happen?  Why doesn't anybody care?

 

Oh there are so many...Some should be asked while others are lies that I am believing.

 

4 weeks ago, I became a very broken person.  Broken on the inside.  Questioning faith.  Questioning my own personal walk with God.  Questioning circumstances.  Questioning who I was. Broken.

 

We have been seeking wise counsel.  I knew that I couldn't live like this for very long, and truthfully, and so ready to have everything resolved and reconciled but that is for another post (one on submission and obedience).  One of the wise persons that I spoke with encouraged me to "Praise Him in the storm, in all things." 

 

Ephesians 5: 19-20

Sing and make music from your heart to the Lord, ²⁰ always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.

 

 

and

 

1 Thessalonians 5: 16-18

¹⁶ Rejoice always, ¹⁷ pray continually, ¹⁸ give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

 

Definitely not what I wanted to hear.  But, it was what I NEEDED to hear.  Another wise counsel is holding me accountable to being in the Word daily. 

 

God has worked on my heart.  Softened it.  Massaged it and got it beating again.

 

Well the only place I can go is into Your arms
Where I throw to You my feeble prayers
Well in brokenness I can see
That this was Your will for me
Help me to know You are near yeah

 

But it's now that I feel Your grace fall like rain
From ev'ry fingertip washing away my pain

 

'Cause I still believe in Your faithfulness
'Cause I still believe in Your truth
'Cause I still believe in Your holy Word
Even when I don't see I still believe

I can only run into His arms.  This situation was His will for me because of the blessings that have rained down from heaven.  I am beginning to see them.  Beginning to have eyes open.  My pain is being slowly washed away, starting with writing a letter of apology.  Continuing with reaching and resting in His loving arms and His grace and mercy that is new every day. 

Life is still going on, still moving forward.  Blessings are being poured down, but am I seeing them in my brokenness?  Are my arms open wide, giving thanks in ALL circumstances? 

I DO still believe in His faithfulness, in His truth, and in His holy Word.  Even when I am not seeing the reasons for this situation or knowing the answers to those questions that overtake my mind sometimes...I still believe.  Even when those scattered words and empty thoughts pour from my heart and I'm torn not knowing where to start, I still believe.

2 Corinthians 12:9
 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”

 

 

**Song lyrics are from the song "I still believe" by Jeremy Camp.

Garden goodness

Drought.  We are in a bad drought where we live.  Supposedly, #3 of all times.  We have been very fortunate though.  We have rural water for the house, but the well is still functioning.  We spent so much time watering this summer and weeding and nurturing our garden.  We live off of our garden - through canning and processing all the produce.  We definitely enjoy it fresh as well!  Below are some pictures of what we have picked and a list of our processing so far. 

By no means am I bragging....I want to document the bountiful blessings that we have been given this summer....as a reminder when things get tough of the way that God has provided.  Even though the drought hasn't greatly affected our garden, our family has definitely been in a drought spiritually and emotionally.  We have been going through a few tough months.  This provision that God has provided for us physically is a good reminder of what He can do spiritually and emotionally.  To God be the glory in this time of drought.

Peas - 17 2ish cup bags frozen
Potatoes - almost 300 pounds - canned 28 quarts and saved rest to eat or process later
Peaches - 225 pounds put into 84 quarts, dried some as well and ate a lot fresh
Blueberries - 2 5 qt pails picked - several frozen into 2 cup bags and some dried
Beets - 55 pints and 7 quarts
cauliflower and broccoli - several bags (15 of various sizes?) put into freezer and much eaten fresh
mock apple rings made with cucumbers - 42 pints
lime pickles made with cucumbers - 12 pints
onions - 80 lbs
V8 juice made with tomatoes - 43 quarts
whole tomatoes with onions/peppers - 4 quarts
corn - 52 3ish cup bags frozen
Salsa made with 100% garden veggies - 50 jars varying sizes
carrots - 21 quarts
tomato sauce to be used for taco sauce - 4 quarts and 1 pint
tomato soup - 18 pints and 7 quarts
pumpkin - 6 2 cup bags frozen
zucchini - several 2 and 4 cup bags put in freezer (21 pints zucchini bread canned)

Cantelope.  They were absolutely delicious!

Carrots that we picked and ended up canning.

Our 4 children in the cauliflower leaves. 

Cauliflower, broccoli, cucumber, tomatoes, banana peppers

Our 4 largest onions

Our onions all braided and shallots on the left going up and down

Miscellaneous thoughts....and pictures!

This is my chore charts that are now hanging in my "new" schoolroom!  I turned our cluttered crazy office into an organized schoolroom!  I am so excited about teaching responsibility to my children - and it is going to start with these.  They start tomorrow, so I will keep you updated as to how they work....

This picture was taken on my 32nd birthday.  The outfit is a size 14/16!  I am so excited!  Also, this picture shows me at 80 pounds gone!  80 pounds to never return!  I am at the same weight as I was at our wedding!

This is the youngest twin.  He is held by my father while we were camping for vacation!  I took all 4 childre and went camping with my dad and step-mom, my dad's dad and mom, and my dad's sister and husband.  This picture shows the youngest twins excitement as we were out on a boat ride chasing birds.  We would spot one and then drive after it.  He had so much fun and laughed so hard!  I think I laughed just as hard seeing the joy he displayed!

This picture was taken tonight at a local public pond.  The oldest twin is in the highlight of hte picture.  He caught his very 1st fish - a little sunfish, and was so proud of that fish.  I enjoyed my time with the four at the little pond, and I think they enjoyed their time as well!

This is "Joy" and she is holding a fish that she caught while on vacation.  She had so much fun catching minnows to put on hooks and catching fish.  She did great out on the boat and definitely had "big fish stories" to tell when we got back in to camp!

This is "Blessing" and she is holding a fish that she caught!  She finally warmed up to the fish she was catching and by the end of vacation was even catching minnows.  When we were fishing tonight, she was so patient and did such a great job casting and trying to catch those little fish.  She didn't catch any tonight, but was definitely a trooper - not complaining and actually not wanting to leave.  She is growing up way too fast!

Pictures are worth more than words...

February 23, 2012 - only 1  week into WL journey

Oldest daughter with me

April 3, 2012 - 25.6 pounds gone!

April 14, 2012 - 29.8 pounds gone - over 10% of initial weight!

In Easter dress - hadn't worn in 5 years!

May 29, 2012 - 53.4 pounds gone!

Oldest twin with me

June 27, 2012 - 64.6 pounds gone!

July 9, 2012 - 66.6 pounds gone!

2nd and youngest daughter with me.

July 20, 2012 - 71 pounds gone!

I think I need some smaller shirts....all the ones I have are so baggy!

This picture was taken on Friday.  I will blog more about our garden and include better pics of some of the children.  The youngest twin has been camera shy lately!  :-) 

Keep your eyes open for a gardening blog...

By God's grace, this weight will never return.....Thanks to the lifestyle change I am making!

Laundry Distractions

Non Scale Victories....NSVs. They are encouraging and so uplifting...But, honestly, I hadn't really had many during the last 13 weeks. I have been concentrating on losing weight - eating right, exercising, and
working on the emotional habits I had formed. It hasn't always been easy, but thankfully, the weight has been coming off.

I am not a huge measurer. I have been measuring every 4 weeks and have seen on paper the inches coming off as well, but have not experienced it but 1x with clothing. I did wear a dress the week after Easter, but I had fit into that dress in the past.

So, I was doing laundry on Thursday. Actually, doing laundry from beginning to completion, washing, drying, folding, AND putting away! I usually stop somewhere in the middle, but was determined to get everything put away. While I was hanging my skirts in the closet I noticed a dress that was given to me a little over a year ago. I liked it and put it in my closet. Some friends came over and were helping me clean stuff out that had piled up after twins, and commented on that dress. I tried it on that night after everyone had left, and there was no way the dress was zipping. I could barely get it on, but squeezed into it. I remember feeling so depressed. But, I liked it enough I put it back in the closet with the thought of "someday I will wear that dress."  Never in my wildest dreams did I think that someday would be this week!

So, I pulled out the dress, and tried it on, and it FIT! It fits beautifully. So beautifully, that I think I have figured out something to put over it so I can wear it to church tomorrow. It is sleeveless and we are trying to teach our girls modesty so I must model modesty. Anyway, that one dress led into the trying on of many many other clothes. And, I fit into many of them that I couldn't even get over my hips or around my waist a year ago. Some of the things are too tight to wear in public, but I have the determination and motivation to fit into them before the end of summer.

When my FIL had repeat open heart surgery last July, I had to buy shorts - size 24/26. I was embarrased and depressed when I walked out of the store. I am happy to report that I wore them today, only because I wanted to be comfortable, but am so annoyed with them because I can't walk 2 steps without them falling off my hips! So, I am thinking these pants are going to have to go! And not go because they are too small, but go because they are TOO BIG! I have a huge smile just typing it because of how it makes me feel.

I called my husband at 1:30 am (because he works 2nd shift and was to be home at 1:15 am) to ask him if he was almost home, and he wasn't. But, he wondered why....so I told him I had a size 18P jeans on from CJ Banks. 18P! His response was, "Are you sure honey?" And, my response was "would I sound like this if it wasn't true?" 18P! I still can't get over that. It has been years since I have fit into 18P – ok, not tons, but at least 3. I would even wear them in public, which is how good they fit.

So, laundry is distracting. I have a new wardrobe and am ready to weed out my "fat" clothes. AND, I AM NOT KEEPING THEM! Because, I am making this lifestyle change permanent! No need for them anymore! And, the next time I can get to a store, the 1 thing I am going to buy is new underware....because, just like the shorts, are having to be hiked up every 2 steps - and that is not flattering!

I have had a beakthrough and have realized the impact of my loss....not only in how I feel, but in the sizes I can wear and how I look. All glory goes to Christ, who has formed me as this person and who is walking with me through this journey! Thank you Jesus for NSV's and for your strength to continue on
each day!

May each of you be blessed with your own NSV, whatever that may be! God is so faithful, lean on him!

Stats to date
Weight lost - 45 lbs
Waist inches - 6.75
Hip inches - 3.75
Bust inches - 5.5
Arm inches - 1.5
Thigh inches - 1.5
Current size - 18 or 20

2011 Christmas letter

I will bless them and the places surrounding my hill. I will send down showes in season; there will be showers of blessing. Ezekiel 34:26

Blessings...gifts...thankfulness...any way you look at it, they all mean the same...God's love towards us, His children. Early this year, I was given a book, One Thousand Gifts, by Ann Voskamp, which challenged me and our family to look for gifts, blessings in all situations. Sometimes this was easy and other times it was hard. It is a lifestyle...a way to keep perspective, so enjoy some of our blessings from 2011.

Mr. Tall still works at a local hospital 32 miles away 4 days a week from 2 pm to 12:30 pm. He really enjoys this shift and the interaction with people. Austin has completed preceptor training and lead training. He is enjoying the challenges these two aspects bring. In March, we were able to travel to Columbus, Ohio for a week. During this week, we worked with Touch Bionics and Austin got a new hand, a myoelectric one. This was a great time to be together as husband and wife and to accomplish getting a new hand ~ all in 1 weeks time! In July, Mr. Tall's dad had open-heart surgery in Rochester, MN. We spent another week together supporting them and reflecting on the blessings of health, life, family, and support.

I am still a stay-at-home mom and truly love it. Many times, my motto is "The days are long but the years are short!" Watching my children grow and teaching them is an amazing experience. I wouldn't trade it for the world! Also, I have really started working as a music therapist for a local hospice. I am based out of my home which is wonderful. I have received so many gifts from my patients this year...the faith they have, the love married patients share, memories from 80 years ago...such gifts from God!

Blessing started piano lessons this summer and has started kindergarten this fall. She is doing very well with her math facts and is learning to read. She enjoys playing with her sister and brothers and is such a big help around the house with laundry, trash, dishes, vacuuming, etc. She is growing way too fast...It seems like yesterday she was born, but it has already been 5 years!

Joy has grown so much during this past year as well. The differences between her and her sister are amazing. Joy wants to do "school" every day and is learning about letters and numbers. She enjoys playing house with her sister. Joy is mommy's helper...she is always in the kitchen with me. Joy's cuddles are precious as well, especially when she falls asleep in my arms.

The twins are now 15 months old, almost 16! Where has the year gone. They are walking all over the place, well actually running, and usually in different directions. They are starting to talk saying cheese, please, more, thank-you, night-night, etc. It is such a blessing to have such healthy boys. They are active and love being outside!

So, our blessings...

~life, health, love, Jesus, family

~stored food, bountiful garden, canner, coupons, worms on roads

~church family, women and men of God in our lives

~accidents that save marriages, doctors, nurses, hospitals

~laughter, loss of life, animals, jobs, rain

The list can go on and on...my list is currently around 1250. How many blessings can you count in a year? Can you give all the credit to God's son, Jesus, who came to earth this time of year...Christmas!

It is our prayer that you will take time to reflect on your blessings from the past year and look at all you will experience in the year to come.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

More pictures

Boy 2 at 5 weeks with eyes open

Boy 2 at 5 weeks with eyes open

Boy 2 at 5 weeks

Boy 1 at 5 weeks

Boy 2 on left, Boy 1 on right at 5 weeks

Boy 1 on left, Boy 2 on right at 3 weeks

All 4 kiddos - Boy 1 on top, Boy 2 on bottom, Blessing on left, Joy on right

Boy 1 on left and Boy 2 on right (7 weeks)

Pictures

Baby Boy 1 (just home from hospital)

Baby Boy 2 (just home from hospital)

Baby Boy 1 on left, Baby boy 2 on right 

Me, less than 24 hours before delivery

My 2 girls and myself (less than 24 hours before delivery)

Almost 7 weeks...already!

Greetings all!

So sorry it has taken me so very long to get this information to you!  It has been a crazy 6 weeks with a huge life adjustment (every new addition has been an adjustment - this one more of a challenge)!  I have barely had 10 minutes to myself lately - but today, I finally do, so I thought I would update everybody!

Here is a journal entry I did the night before I headed to the hospital...

Only 30 minutes until nothing to eat or drink, which is fine as my tummy is very unstable due to nerves. However, I have been so thirsty tonight...

So, today has been a day full of blessings and just enjoyable memories. We went to church today and enjoyed worship. Our pastor talked about being salt and light and is challenging us to live out our faith. After church we went to McDonalds to treat our girls. We wanted to do something special for them on our last day as a family of 4. We wanted them to know that we love them tremendously! McDonalds was horrible, though. The girls didn't know the difference - but poor service, no ketchup or straws, and the food was not very good today...oh well...like I said, it is about the experience!

After McDonalds, we went to Reiman Gardens. We had only about an hour, but it was amazing. They have a butterfly atrium that houses butterflies from all over the world. It is a beautiful place with butterflies flying all over! My girls absolutely loved it. We then went out onto the main garden area (over 14 acres of flower gardens) and walked around and took pictures. We took pictures of my tummy, the girls alone, the girls and I, and the girls and daddy. It was a great experience on a perfect day - low 80's and low humidity! Beautiful! The girls didn't want to leave but we had to get my husband to work. We dropped him off at work around 2 and told the girls we would have to go back to the gardens sometime so they could enjoy it more - they understood.

We got home and took a nap. My youngest slept in her bed after some extra cuddle time and my oldest napped in my bed with me. I enjoyed the extra cuddles and extra time spent reading to her! After our nap, we played, or rather the girls played, ants in the pants. They laughed and laughed and it was music to my ears. I got supper around for them (I didn't eat as my tummy was really upset - nerves). After supper, we loaded into the van and I took them to where they are staying while I am in the hospital. The drop-off went very smoothly and I haven't received a call yet, so am assuming they went to bed alright! It was difficult, but not as hard as I had anticipated - God has really given me a peace tonight!

I came home and have been enjoying peace and quiet and trying to avoid phone calls - just to enjoy time with the Lord and myself. I ate dinner, relaxed by playing the piano, finished laundry and dishes, and have finished packing. I am going to go get a bath and shave my legs (well, what I can reach of them - HA) and then head to bed. I probably won't sleep well, but at least will be in bed! I have to leave the house around 4:45 tomorrow morning. My husband is sleeping at the hospital (he works there) so he will meet me in the main lobby in the morning!

So, that was the night before.  Now, onto the rest of the story...

I arrived at the hospital on time and was greeted by my husband.  We unloaded and took everything up to our room on the maternity floor.  Once there, the menagerie of questions began and the pre-op drill began.  We were teasing the nurse, but she really had no sense of humor, so it became very boring quickly.  They were ready for me a few minutes early, so we headed to the c-section room.  Everything went well with the spinal block and the procedure began.  At 7:48 AM, our 1st baby boy was born. He was 7 pound 11 ounces and 19.5 inches long.  At 7:49 AM our 2nd baby boy was born.  He was 6 pounds 9 ounces and 19.5 inches long.  They were taken to the NICU for their initial exams. The procedure ended around 8:40 AM and I went to recovery.  Around 9:45 AM I was taken back to my room and met the boys for the first time.  It was very precious! We spent 4 days at the hospital and made it home around 6:30 pm on Thursday, August 19. Our girls returned to us on Friday afternoon, after we arrived back from taking the boys to a doctor appointment (a weight and jaundice check). 

So...7 weeks have passed (almost), and I am maybe starting to adjust a little bit.  I average about 4 hours of sleep a night (broken up into 1.5 to 2 hour chunks).  I am really hoping that they start sleeping longer chunks of time!  Nursing has been tough, but they are still getting mamma milk - via pumping and bottle.  They are growing like crazy - Boy 1 is now over 11 pounds and Boy 2 is right around 10 pounds!  So crazy how fast they grow. They both have their own personalities and are cute as buttons!  The girls have adjusted fairly well and love their brothers so very much!

Well, I am going to upload some pictures on a new post for everyone and then try to enjoy the rest of my alone time - all 4 children are sleeping!  What am I doing awake???  ;-)

Nothing is Impossible with God

Nothing is impossible with God...My new mantra and what keeps running through my mind!

This was the main theme of the movie my husband and I watched last night...Facing the Giants.  What an excellent reminder of God's power!  

Several people, including friends, family, and doctors, have second guessed my ability to carry the twins.  Many have made comments that have been negative in regards to my ability to carry the twins "full-term."  Many have suggested bribing my doctor to go early.  And, in all honesty, many are just negative!

I have fought these negative comments with positive ones for several months and found the movie theme to be a great reminder!  God is in control and He knows what I am capable of.  He has prepared me and my body for the task He has given me.

Now, with that said, the c-section has been scheduled for next week and we are going to be meeting these 2 beautiful babies soon!  Even though I am scared and fear sets in quite a bit, this new mantra reminds me that He is in control and knows what we can handle!  

As for my appointment today, everything looked great!  The babies are doing well, my blood pressure is good, and the c-section was scheduled!  I was given last minute details regarding the night before and sent on my way.  I finished up the hospital registration and took care of a few odds and ends in town.  So, now the waiting continues.

I plan to make a fresh peach pie this afternoon for my dear husband and make some cookies and freeze the dough in balls so he can still have something sweet, fresh, and homemade while I am down for the count.  He loves sweets so much (as do my girls), that I want to do something special for them.  

Nothing is impossible with God - that is what I am living by and encouraging me right now....Hey, maybe I should go make several notecards and place them around my house.....I will just put it on my list of to-do's!  :-)

Approximately 2 years and 8 months later...

We moved into our current house in December of 2007 and shortly after began to remodel the 2nd floor northwest corner bedroom.  At that time, we were expecting our 2nd child and had high hopes of finishing it before the new baby arrived.  Well, that didn't happen....However, today, we moved our oldest daughter Blessing into her new room!

Can I tell you what a process it is to remodel!  It takes time, effort, a lot of thought and planning, and yes, even some disagreements and arguments amongst spouses!  I will also tell you, that once we put the final touches on this room, there will not be another remodeling project for at least a few months - or as long as I can keep my dear husband from tearing down more walls!  :-)

Anyway, today we moved our oldest daughter Blessing into her new room.  I have included pictures of the room.  We had help from church friends, family, and borrowed items like a texture gun and finish nailer from church friends and family.  Without the support that we have we would not be where we are today.  

It definitely feels so good to have this project done and off the list, especially since the twins are going to be coming very soon!  Blessing slept in her new room for nap and is currently sleeping in her room right now for her first night!  She was so excited to get things moved in and to sleep!

Now, we just need to find time to finish the small things.  That list includes the following: doorstops installed, electrical finished in the attic, some shelves built/hung???, the rest of her toys and other things moved in, another carpet runner purchased (I accidentally grabbed an actual rug instead of runner, so need to return the rug and get a runner), a carpet for the closet purchased, a closet rod installed to hang clothes on, and a table lamp moved in.

This may seem like an extremely long list, but a lot of it will be able to be knocked off in a matter of a couple of hours.  It is just a matter of having my dear husband work with me to accomplish it.  We will see what we can get done before babies come, and if it isn't completely finished, it is at least now livable!

So, kudos to my dear husband for all of his hard work and thank you to those who helped and/or loaned us tools to finish the job.  We know that you know who you are - we could not have finished it without you and truly do appreciate each and every one of you!  And, to my dear father, thank you for all of your encouragement and help, especially with the trim!

Enjoy the pictures!!!

Window on the west wall with the curtain open - sorry about the darkness of it

North wall of the room - west and north windows with curtains (door to go in/out on the left)

South wall of the room - closet door

The east wall has butterflies, flowers, and the bible verse of Galatians 5: 22 and 23 painted on it and the west wall has butterflies, flowers, and the bible verse of James 1:17 painted on it.  Sorry, no pictures this time! 

Final ultrasound

Today I had my final ultrasound of this pregnancy.  I was looking forward to seeing the babies one more time!  It was nice but not as exciting as ultrasounds earlier in the pregnancy because the babies are getting so big you really can't see much at a time.  I now understand why they do ultrasounds at 20 weeks!

So, the biggest news is that the babies are growing and are showing no signs of stress or distress.  This is wonderful! Below are the stats...

Baby A 

weight - 6 pounds 12 ounces (up from 4 pounds 11 ounces a month ago)

heartbeat - 143

percentile - 71st (this is in comparison to a single baby - so I have a big twin!)

Baby B

weight - 6 pounds 2 ounces (up from 4 pounds 4 ounces a month ago)

heartbeat - 140

percentile - 51st (this is in comparison to a single baby)

My doctor and I chatted about moving the scheduled c-section date up a week due to how much they weigh alreaady and my doctor would not hear of it.  She said that she will take them at 38 weeks and no earlier unless the mom or babies start to show signs of stress.  So, since all is going well for both the babies and me, there is no chance.  This is good and bad...the good is that they will get one more week to develop - the bad is that I have to endure carrying them for one more week!  It is a challenge!

As for my blood pressure - it was extremely good - she took it twice and it was 94/57.  The nurse couldn't believe it!  She made me laugh and took it again and it was 124/72.  She is just amazed every time she takes my blood pressure because she thinks it should be higher.  I guess my body just handles pregnancy well as I have never had a blood pressure issue - just like I have never had braxton hicks contractions or real contractions (once again and blessing and a curse :-)!)  

So, we are down to 3 weeks until delivery date.  I will keep pressing on toward the goal of August 17 and pray that they decide to wait to come into the world!  I have plenty of things to keep me busy until then, so I will keep working on the projects.  Some of the things I have left to do include packing a bag for the babies and I at the hospital, packing the girls bags for being away while I am at the hospital, cleaning out the van, finding all the breastpump accessories and cleaning them up, finishing cleaning our upstairs bedroom, finishing the new room and getting our oldest daughter moved in, getting the nursery set up, getting meals made and into the freezer to make life easier for my husband, and sleeping!  I will just keep knocking away at things on the list to make progress and will see what happens in the meantime!

Thanks for following me on this journey!  I have an appointment on Friday, July 30 and another one on Thursday, August 5.  My last appointment before delivery is scheduled for Tuesday, August 10 with delivery on Tuesday, August 17.  We will keep everybody updated!

Non-stress test update

Greetings!  I can't believe 2 weeks have passed since I last updated.  I wanted to update last week, but there really wasn't much news and we were busy celebrating Joy's 2nd birthday.  I can't believe she is already 2 years old!  It truly seems like she was born yesterday - I can still vividly remember the day!  What a joy she truly was!

Today was my 2nd non-stress test.  I am not exactly fond of these; however, it is nice to hear the babies heartbeats for an extended amount of time.  It is so interesting to hear or feel them move and then watch and hear their heartbeats increase and then decrease (exactly what should be happening)!  They are definitely little miracles!  Baby A was slow to get moving today so I had to lie on the table much longer which is not exactly good for my back and hips with the pain I am having. Baby B is never slow to be moving so we knew it was good from the first 5 minutes.  Anyway, both babies are doing very well and are showing no signs of stress!  No contractions which is also a great thing!  My blood pressure is good as well - so no worries there.  I did measure 47 cm today (which breaks my normal doctor's record of 42 cm from another patient).  However, my normal doctor was out of the office today so I saw one of her partners.  His record is 56 cm, so he told me to keep working at it and I might make it - but then again this woman delivered a 12 lb 13 oz single baby!  I could get there, but with a combined weight of that for the 2.  We will just wait and see!  

Other than that, not much news.  I am feeling very big (looking big too) and trying my best to take it easy and not overdo it.  There are days where I definitely do too much and my body tells me so, but other days I wonder if I am doing enough!  It is very interesting.  However, I think chasing two children around every day could be considered enough for a momma pregnant with twins!  

This weekend, our oldest turns 4 years old!  We are celebrating both girls' birthdays on Saturday morning before my dear husband has to go to work and then we will do something special for Blessing on Sunday, her actual birthday.  Once again, where have the past 4 years gone?  I can't believe that she is turning 4. 

Both of our girls are growing up so quickly and way too fast!  Blessing was helping us freeze corn yesterday by cleaning the silks off of the shucked ears - and my did she do an amazing job!  Joy enjoys helping in any way she can - especially if she can sit on daddy or mommy's lap!  Let me tell you, there isn't much room left on mommy's lap!

Well, that is it for now - I will try to post updated pictures of the girls soon as well as keep everyone updated on the weekly appointments.  My next appointment is next week on Tuesday - another non-stress test and meeting with the doctor.  The next week is an ultrasound - I hope I make it that far so I can see these precious babies again!  It is so much fun to see them growing and changing inside of me...what miracles and what amazing technology!

Thanks for checking in!

June 30th appointment

I had a much anticipated appointment this morning at 9 am.  It started out with an ultrasound.  The ultrasound went well - except for the hip/back pain associated with laying in one position on a hard table for so long.  But, at least I got to see our two precious babies and enjoy watching them breathe and their hearts beat.  Yes, babies in the tummy breathe - they move amniotic fluid in and out of their little lungs to practice for when they are born.  It was amazing to watch!

The ultrasound showed that both babies are breach - with their heads in my ribs.  Baby A is facing down and Baby B is facing up.  My dear husband and I laugh because we know they are already conspiring against us!  :-)

I then met with the doctor.  She told me the stats on the babies - listed below.

Baby A

weight - 4 pounds 11 ounces (up from 3 pounds 2 ounces 4 weeks ago)

heartbeat - 143 beats per minute

measuring - 67th percentile 

Baby B

weight - 4 pounds 4 ounces (up from 2 pounds 12 ounces 4 weeks ago)

heartbeat - 129 beats per minute

measuring - 53rd percentile

Overall, the babies are still growing but their growh rate has slowed down.  They are both measuring in a lower percentile than they were 4 weeks ago - which is perfectly okay.  No worries with that - and I will say that I am perfectly ok with that as well!

During the ultrasound, a biophysical test was performed on each baby to check it's stress level.  8 points were possible and both babies scored 100%.  This just tells the doctor that neither baby is in stress or showing signs of distress and the pregnancy is progressing along good.  

As for me, my blood pressure was 118/62.  When the nurse got done taking this she just looked at me and shook her head.  I asked her what and she said that she keeps expecting it to be much higher or at least have changed drastically since the last appointment.  Needless to say, both her and the doctor were impressed!  I have not gained nor lost any weight from 2 weeks ago - so that is fine.  The doctor laughed at me today because even though I have almost 9 pounds of baby in me - I have not gained any weight.  The nurse even commented that besides my tummy, I am looking thinner.  The doctor is not worried about my weight as she can tell the babies are healthy and I am healthy.  Finally, I am measuring 40 weeks at 31 weeks and 6 days. The doctor is hoping that this remains stable for a few weeks - as am I!

Other than the appointment, my hips and low back do not feel very good.  I am in quite a bit of pain much of the time - but know that it will be worth it in the end.  It is just a matter of time before these precious bundles are born.

After the appointment, I ran to the store and met the rest of my family at a park.  We ate a picnic lunch and then took our 2 girls swimming.  We are home now and resting getting ready for a fun packed night of working outside!  I am so thankful that the humidity is down and the temperature is down as well!  

I had better go get supper around and wake the girls up - that way they will go to sleep tonight.  Just wanted to let everyone know how things were going!  

Have a safe and happy 4th of July!  

30 weeks

It is amazing that it is the middle of June, which also means halfway through 2010.  It seems like yesterday I knew I was pregnant and miserable with being so extremely sick - wondering if I would ever even make it to June.  Now we are half-way through, and the end is near!

8 weeks and 5 days until delivery - which is so exciting, yet so crazy scary at the same time!  Anyway, I had a doctors appointment yesterday and all is well!

I have gained no weight, which does not concern the doctor.  My blood pressure is amazing - and that was her exact words.  I was placed on the monitor yesterday to do a quick check of the babies heartbeats, and they were both between 130 and 140 - which she said was great.  I also measured 38 weeks again - which she said was great!  Other than my hips, I am feeling wonderful!

We had a great conversation with our doctor yesterday (my dear husband was able to go).  She explained that she honestly does not think that pre-term labor will be any issue.  She said the only way I will deliver before the goal date is if the babies show signs of distress or if my blood pressure goes crazy.  So, she is very confident.

We also talked to her about my concerns with her vacation timing (one week in July doesn't bother me) - but she is scheduled to be off the 1 1/2 weeks before my delivery date.  She said those were going to change and she would be in the office 5 to 6 out of those 10 days.  So, she said more than likely she would see me the week before delivery - which helped to ease my mind.  There is something about knowing who is going to deliver your baby vs having somebody completely different.

We also talked about a couple of other concerns and options to help ease my mind and overall the appointment went well.  Nothing too exciting, but I have an ultrasound to look forward to on June 30!  That will more than likely be the last time I see the babies before delivery - as I will just have non-stress-test monitoring every week starting the week of July 5th.  

On a separate note, we have childcare figured out for when the babies are being born (Thank you to you who are watching them!) and my dear husband has figured out his FMLA time off and we are in the process of getting paperwork done!  This is all good news as now we can finish planning for my "helpers" for when he has to go back to work!

Other than that, we have just been weeding garden, taking care of outside projects, trying to get Blessing's new room finished (we are making progress - just not fast!), and spending time as a family.  My energy level is extremely low and I fatigue very easily, but we are managing!  Thanks for checking in and will update in a couple weeks, if not before!

Iowa in June

I don't know about anyone else, but I so easily forget what summer can be like in Iowa.  It can go from being 66 and rainy one day to 90 and extremely hot and humid the next.  It can be comfortable and 70 before lunch but get so hot and humid after lunch that you can hardly stand to be outside.

On Wednesday night, my dear husband asked me to sit outside with him after we got the girls to bed.  So, we were sitting outside and even though I didn't "hear the corn grow,"  I definitely smelt the corn growing.  It is amazing how much the corn has grown in the past few days.  It has definitely gained at least 6 inches - as have many of our plants in the garden.  My dear husband told me today that I almost have zucchini ready!

While we were sitting outside, we listened and took everything in.  We heard animals talking back and forth, we saw the stars, we watched our cat and dog play (not together though), and we enjoyed seeing the lightening bugs (or fireflys as some call them).  The ground has finally reached a temperature where the lightening bugs have emerged from the ground.  It is such an exciting time full of life and growth!

Not only is the corn and beans growing and our garden growing, our girls are growing as well.  They are both getting more mature and bigger in size.  Blessing, on Thursday night, did something she had never done before that blew me away and made me realize how "old" she is getting.  We got home from worship team practice at about 9:30 pm after an extremely long day of being gone - but connecting and enjoying friends and fellowship.  We got home and I asked her to please go get her pajamas on.  She went and did that after asking if she could come back downstairs.  Her little sister was eating a snack, and she didn't want one.  I said of course she could come back down.  She was reclining on a chair and after a few minutes asked if she could just go to her bed.  I said definitely.  I got Joy around and headed upstairs, planning on finding Blessing either playing in her room or reading in her room.  What I found surprised me!

Blessing was in her bed, with her light off, almost asleep!  I finished getting Joy around for bed, and she was not happy (overly tired).  Once I got her to bed, I went back to Blessing, kissed her and asked if she wanted her music on.  She hardly moved, but answered yes please.  So, I turned on her music and watched the news.  Not a word out of her until Friday morning.  

Part of me longs for more days where she will do that, but at the same time I realize that she is growing up and maturing, just like the corn.  Joy is doing the same thing, but in different ways.

I am definitely taking the time to enjoy my two little girls as I anxiously prepare for the birth of our twins.  I find it bittersweet that things will change while exciting at the same time.

Take time to enjoy what you have - as things change each and every day!

10 weeks 6 days to go!

Instead of counting up, I have started counting down!  I am getting close, and I can't wait to meet our two new little additions to our family.  It will be here before we know it or expect it!

I had a doctor appointment today with my OB.  The ultrasound was first.  It was very exciting and fun to see the little miracles again.  God is so good!  It is amazing how he creates them!  We even got to see Baby B sucking on the hand and yawning!  Baby A had its foot over its head - yes, basically folded in half.  They each have their personalities - Baby B showed us its face, Baby A was shy and hid its face.

On to the statistical details...

Baby A

Weight - 3 pounds 2 ounces (increase of 1 pound 6 ounces)

Heartbeat - 143 beats

Measuring - in the 79th percentile

Baby B

Weight - 2 pounds 12 ounces (increase of 14 ounces)

Heartbeat - 143 beats

Measuring - in the 63rd percentile

The babies are doing fabulous and honestly my body is doing fairly well.  Yes, I have to be careful to not overdo it on a daily basis and to know my limits and rest when I need to, but that is to be expected.  I also know that I can't expect to stand immediately and run or get up and expect to jump out of bed - but I am adjusting to those inconveniences.  I am also slowly adjusting to a lack of sleep - God is preparing me for when these two miracles come...

Medically, I am measuring 38 weeks (full term) and still have 10 weeks to go.  The doctor just smiled and laughed.  She still says that I won't go over 42 weeks measurement (the biggest she has ever seen).  I wonder...  However, now I know why none of my maternity clothes are fitting.

My blood pressure was 124/70 (very good!).  I have even lost one pound in the last month.  That baffles my mind - since I have gained 2 pounds 4 ounces in baby weight. The good news is that the doctor isn't worried and actually chuckled.  She said as long as the babies are looking good and growing she isn't worried.  And, they are definitely growing!

As for the gestational diabetes, I am adjusting.  I take my blood sugars 6 times a day now (before and after each meal) and do insulin 4 times a day (before every meal and at bedtime). It has made a big difference in my blood sugar levels.  I talked to the endocrinologist yesterday, and he said that gestational diabetes is more common the older you get and the more pregnancies you have and especially with multiples.  Well, I am hitting that threshold of 30 (the age they consider being pregnant "older") and have multiples.  He also said that this is more than likely a temporary condition and will "disappear" the instant the babies are born.  He also said that even though I have an increased risk of Type II diabetes later in life, it isn't as high due to not having a family history of diabetes.  It has been an adjustment, but it has been good.  The weight loss still baffles me through all of this though because I am actually eating more since having gestational diabetes because of the # of carbs that are required.  It is so crazy!  

Finally, I go back in 2 weeks and then in another 2 weeks with an ultrasound then.  After that, it is weekly checks with a non-stress test every week.  This test is an hour test where they hook monitors up and make sure that each babies heartrate is good and that movements are good.  So, it will be interesting to see how things turn out.  Like I said, only another 10 weeks and 6 days to go - not that anyone is counting!

I will try to post an update between now and then - but between the garden, keeping up with mowing lawn, chasing after the girls, resting, and trying hard to finish remodeling our oldest daughter's room - I am busy!  

4 years ago today

4 years ago this morning, I told my husband good-bye and have a great day and that I would see him when he was done with work.  I then went to work.  I never imagined seeing him around 4 pm at the hospital emergency room being prepared to be transported via life flight helicopter to a bigger hospital in a bigger city.  Never in my wildest dreams did I ever imagine saying good-bye to his right hand that morning or to the man I had married as well.

4 years ago today our life changed forever.  My husband lost his right hand in a farm accident.  At that same time, even though I didn't realize it then, I lost the husband I knew and the person I was.  My life changed drastically as God used the tragic accident to mold my heart, soul, and mind into the person I am today.  God also used the accident to mold my dear husband into the person that he is today.  Without this experience, we wouldn't be who we are right now (even though we know God isn't finished with us yet) and we might not even still be together.

Do I wonder what life would be like had he not had the accident?  Yes.  However, I would never go back to that day and ask God to do it over again.  I look back and see the person I was and wonder how anyone could have lived with me, let alone been married to me.  I look back and see the person that my husband was and wonder why I married him and how I continued to love him during our first 23 months of togetherness.  We both have grown, and even though we both still have daily struggles, we both know that it is through God's grace and mercy that we make it through today and look forward to the prize at the end.

Today has been hard for me.  I really don't know why - it has been 4 years after all.  And "they" say it gets easier with time.  However, today is the day that life changed for us 4 years ago - the day I had to really turn my trust to the Lord to get me through each hour - each minute.  My dear husband is at work today, and my only prayer is that he has a good day filled with few frustrations due to not having a hand.

We told our "story" to a gal from where my husband works and it will be published this fall sometime in the Health Connect magazine that is sent all over the state.  I will see if I can reprint it here, just to have a copy of it.  I have read it and am brought to tears each time - it is so strange to read your story in words - especially on the anniversary of such a life changing experience.

I thank God for being in our lives and helping us to make it each day on this journey.  God truly knows what we need in our lives and will provide that in His way.  Thank you God for saving our marriage and for using this experience to mold us into who we are today - warriors for you!

Update on Gestational Diabetes Test

What a week!  Even though I had a great appointment last Friday, I have felt the stress of uncertain times for the past week.  Not knowing what comes after a failed gestational diabetes (GD) test put me in a little bit of a tailspin.  Plus, thinking about the social stigma that comes with the word diabetes had me all frustrated and upset.  But, God works for the good of those who love Him, and He has worked good for me!

I can honestly say that this is the first day in a few weeks that I have been up willingly without taking a nap.  Currently, I don't feel like I am going to throw up (my stomach is actually growling at me) and I have energy - at least a little.  Now, it is only the first day, but I am thinking positively!

So, Friday the call came saying I had a positive test for GD and I had to wait until Monday to call back.  So, Monday morning, I called and learned that the normal ranges for the GD test are below 140.  My number was 181!  A bit high, ok, a lot high!  Anyway, I was hoping to take the 3 hour test on Tuesday and have it over and done with.  The lab personnel informed me that I had to follow a special diet for 3 days before the test and that they would put the diet in the mail (as I was unwilling to drive the 32 miles one way just to pick it up).  Anyway, I got the diet in the mail on Tuesday and had spoken with a good friend on Monday who had GD during her last pregnancy.  She spiked interest in me and I began researching.  After looking at the diet, and the instructions for the 3 hour test, I realized I was not eating enough food during the day.  Research told me two things:

1) With a 1-hour number above 180, all I would technically need would be a fasting blood glucose level to confirm a positive GD diagnosis.

2) If unable to follow the "diet," results would be skewed and would either end up in a false positive or a false negative.

I called my doctor's nurse on Tuesday, armed with knowledge.  Knowledge is power, right!?!  So, after presenting my case, she spoke with the doctor and together the 3 of us agreed that the 3 hour test would be unnecessary.  The agreement is that I will say I have GD and follow those guidelines.  I was honestly at peace with the situation.  So...that leads me to today.

I received a call this morning asking if I could make a 10:30 appointment to meet with a registered dietitian to go over everything related and required with GD.  I made the appointment, received education, and came home.  The dietitian said that new protocol is that if you fail 1 test, you have GD and a 2nd test is not needed!  I had made a good decision!  The OB clinic that I go to does not yet follow this protocol.  

A couple of interesting facts:

1) Insulin requirements during pregnancy are usually 3 times more than what is needed normally.  GD results when insulin production does not keep up with what is required.

2) GD occurs during pregnancy only.  It usually disappears following delivery.  However, there is an increased risk of developing diabetes later in life, so special screenings are done on a yearly basis.

3) GD affects people of all shapes and sizes.  Overweight, thin, tall, short - you name it!

4)  Treatment of GD is more for the health and safety of the babies than for the mother.  It is amazing how God created tiny little beings to know when they need to produce their own insulin to fight high glucose levels - even only at 25 weeks gestation!

So, the journey continues.  I press on with the prize at the end being a safe delivery of our twins. I press on knowing some of the social stigma that will come at me from people I know and people I don't know.  However, I also press on knowing that the end result is two healthy babies to care for, nurture, and love all the rest of life!

I will try to update on my progress sometime in the next couple weeks.  Hopefully, I will be feeling better!

Update and Prayers

I found out this afternoon via a message on my voicemail that I failed my 1 hour blood glucose test. This means there is a possibility that I have gestational diabetes.  In order to find out, I have to drink double the solution and have a 3-hour blood glucose test.  From what I understand (research wise as I haven't talked with my dr's office yet), I will have 4 blood draws - one before the solution, then one every hour for the next 3 hours.  

Please pray that this test comes back normal!  I am not gaining much weight the way it is and am struggling with eating as I am not feeling well.  I am lucky if I can get one meal to stay down and even then it isn't very much because of all the pressure on my tummy! 

I will update again after I have the 3-hour test - hopefully the first part of next week!  Also, no results yet on my hemoglobin (iron level)...hopefully, that will be normal - otherwise adding vitamins or even straight iron tablets will have to happen - and with how I am feeling, it could be interesting!

Thanks and will chat soon!